The latest thing in self-help books ..

Friends don't let friends ...

You're a Real Musician When:

• You realize that the cheers from the audience after a particularly difficult passage are for a sports play on the big screen TV over the bar, and that in fact, no one is listening to you.

• When the gig you drove 200 miles for to make $100, and had to pay for a hotel room, is later referred to as your "summer tour".

• When your most sincere, heartfelt comments are made by people that are drunk and who won't remember you in the morning.

• When you are repeatedly told that the lead singer who can't read, never practices and has been singing for only six months is "The strongest part of the band", primarily because she has big breasts.

• When you are pleased that the pay for the gig, when looked at hourly from the time you leave your house to when you return meets minimum wage.

• When someone comes up to you to tell you how much they love your playing, because they didn't think anyone played those things anymore.

• You get to the gig to find out that nothing is comped, and you're charged $10 to park.

• When someone seeks you out to complement you as the "best sax player they have ever heard", and you're the trumpet player.

• When you realize that a small piece of equipment- such as a wireless mike you need - will take months of weekly gigs to pay for.

• When you have to add $30 or $40 out of your pocket to find a sub, cause no one will cover you for what you are paid.

• You aren't offended when all of the young wedding guests leave after the second set to dance to the DJ at a club down the street.

• When you are told that you must play until the very end of when you were contracted for, when your only audience is the bartender, and you're being paid 40 or 50 bucks for the night.

• When the bandleader or club owner wants to pay you in food or drinks, and you have $100,000 in school loans to pay off for that music degree.

• When the guy collecting money at the door for the band's performance makes twice over the course of the evening what you do as one of the band members.

• When as a member of a blues band you no longer even pretend to smile when asked to play "Free Bird".

• When you know that other musicians who routinely claim they don't work for less than $100 a night only work a few times a year.

• You notice that all of the musicians playing the better functions to young audiences are mid 40's+ and balding, because young musicians that read don't exist anymore.

• When people who are drunk tell you that what you are doing is absolutely great and the best thing they have ever seen or heard, but refuse to pay more than $5 at the door.

• When someone calling the cops for noise is a good thing. You get to go home early and you still get paid.

• When you realize that asking women out that you meet on gigs doesn't work, for now they know you're a musician.

• When you get invited to play the same gig the following year, which means that you don't have tear down after this year's gig.

• When you have, for several years, been paid the same amount for a gig, but are afraid to say anything about it for fear that you might lose the gig.

• When you spend more on the bar tab than you get paid for the gig. 

• When you finally have to resort to playing Proud Mary or Mustang Sally in order to get the audience dancing.

(Sung to the tune of: Swingin' on a Star)

CHORUS:

Would you like to play the guitar?

Carry money home in a jar

From a coffeehouse or a bar

Or would you rather get a job?

A job is the thing that makes you get out of bed

And work every day until you're dead.

Your back is achin' and your brain in numb

And you just can't wait until the weekends come

But if you don't want to starve or beg or rob

You're gonna have to get a job

Or would you like to play the guitar

Drive for miles and miles in your car

And pretend that you're a big star

Or would you rather book the gig?

An agent's the guy who takes his twenty percent

What he says ain't always what he meant.

He'll clean you out in ways you never thought

Because he's good at business and he knows you're not.

And then he'll sue if you ever make it big

'Cause he's the guy who booked the gig.

Or would you like to play the guitar

For a living--har-dee-har-har.

I'll admit it's kind of bizarre

Or would you rather be the wife?

The wife is the one who has to rescue our butts

She's either a saint or else she's nuts.

She gets impatient and she gets annoyed

'Cause she's the one who must remain employed

And, by the way, if you want to wreck your life

Become a guitar player's wife.

'Cause all the monkeys ain't in the zoo.

They can be trained to play guitar too.

Some do a whole lot better than you

But even if you don't go far

You could be worse off than you are

...At least you're playing your guitar.

Tips from the Band: How To Request A Song From The Band
When requesting a song from the band, just say "play .... my song!" We have chips implanted in our heads with an unlimited database of the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever recorded so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we say we really don't remember that tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands do know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory, or just repeat your request over and over again. If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do. It also helps to scream your request fro m across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger up Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band." You can bet your request will be the next song we play.

Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. We don't actually make set lists or rehearse songs. We mostly just wait for you to yell something out, then fake it. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily.

Your request is all that matters.
Once you've figured out what genre of music the band plays, please make your requests from a totally different genre. The more exaggerated the better. If its a blues band playing, yell for some Jimmy Buffett, Metallica, Slayer Pink Floyd. Likewise, if its a death-speed metal band, be sure to request Brown-eyed Girl or some Grateful Dead. Musicians need to constantly broaden their musical horizons, and its your job to see that it happens....immediately.

TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. And we can converse with you in sign language while singing the song, so don't worry that we're in the middle of the chorus. Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.

IMPORTANT
When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

HELPING THE BAND
If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. If you're too drunk to stand unassisted, simply lean on one of the band members or the most expensive piece of equipment you see. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played on one and three and out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a compliment.

Finally, the microphone and PA system are merely props, they don't really amplify your voice, so when you grab the mic out of the singers hand be sure to scream into it at the top of your lungs, otherwise no one will hear what a great singer you are. Hearing is over-rated anyhow. The crowd and the sound guy will love you for it.

BONUS TIP
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.

Written By:
Unknown

Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band?
A: The moose has the horns in front and the butt hole in back!

Q: What do you call a guitarist with no girlfriend?
A: Homeless

Q: What's the difference between a coffin and a bass player?
A: With the coffin, the corpse is on the inside!

Q: How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.

Q: What does a lead singer do after he wakes up in the morning?
A: Puts his clothes on and goes home.

Q: Why does a drummer always lay his sticks crossed on his dashboard?
A: So he can park in handicapped zones.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to do it, and ten to watch him and say, "I can do that faster."
P.S.: But, there is always one who will ask, "Would Stevie do it that way?"

Q: How many lead singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the light bulb in the socket, and the world revolves around him.

Q: How many country western singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: What is "perfect pitch"?
A: When you lob a harmonica into a toilet without hitting the rim.

Q: What do you call a harmonica player who doesn't step all over the singer's lines?
A: Deceased.

Q: How many harmonica players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to determine if it should be in straight or cross position.

Q: What do you call a harmonica player who says he knows what notes he's playing?
A: A liar.

Q: Why do harmonica players say they play a "harp"?

1. So you won't think they play a harmonica.
2. "Harmonica" is a four-syllable word.

Q: What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A: A harmonica player.

Q: If you threw a guitar player and a harmonica player off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
A: The guitar player. The harp would have to stop halfway down to ask what key they're in.

A guitar player says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my guitar." His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

Q: What do most drummers think time is?
A1: A magazine.
A2: An herb.

Q: What do you call two guitar players playing the same part?
A: Counterpoint.

Q: What's the difference between a snake laying dead in the road after it's been run over, and a banjo player laying dead in the road after he's been run over?
A: The snake was on his way to a gig.

Q: What's the difference between a lead singer and a pit bull?
A: (for women) Lipstick.
A: (for men) None.

Q: What's the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist?
A: Sometimes, you can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between a tenor sax solo and a bottomless pit?
A: It's reasonable to hope that a bottomless pit won't go on forever.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
A: You have to take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room?
A: They never know when to come in.

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q: What is the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: What happens if you play blues music backwards?
A: Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

Q: What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

Son: "Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician."
Mother: "Now, son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't be both."

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: The Defendant.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a drummer?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: What will you never do to a banjo player?
A: Point at the banjo player's Bentley.

Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm; and force everyone to move out of range.

Q: Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
A: It took two hours to get the drummer out.

Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing blues?
A: Start with two million.

Q: What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him some printed music.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: Why does a dog howl when a harmonica player plays?
A: He's trying to show him how the song goes.

Q: What do you call a harmonica player who doesn't blow all over a singer's lines?
A: Deceased.

Q: What do you call a harmonica player in a brand new suit?
A: Dearly departed.

Q: Why are so many guitarists' jokes one-liners?
A: So the rest of the band can understand them.

Q: What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A: A guitarist who has told too many drummer jokes.

Q: What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise..."

Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot One.

Q: Why do guitar players leave their capos on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spaces!

Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
A: Neither have I.

Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your door?
A: By the Dominos Pizza hat.

Q: What would a guitarist do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q: What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin?
A: Who cares - neither one's a guitar!

Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.

Q: What is a "nerd"?
A: Someone who owns a Classical Guitar

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like an Electric Guitar?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What is a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play Heavy Metal Music but doesn't.

Q: What are the two most frequent guitarist lies?
A: 1. I am not too loud! 2. I already turned it down!

Dad, when I grow up I want to be a guitar player.
Look son, you can't do both.

Q: Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
A: Because deep down, they're all very nice people!

Q: What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
A: Laughing at 'em.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
A: Evidently all of them.

Q: How can you tell if there is a guitarist at the door?
A: He knocks out of time, and comes in too early.

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just steal somebody else's light!

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 5, one to change the bulb, and four to say, "I could have done better than that"

Q: How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, One to change it and four to discuss how Eric Clapton would have done it.

Q: How many electric guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, but they stand so close to each other you'd swear they were going to kiss.

Q: How many blues guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't worry about the change they'll improvise!

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll go though a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a fluorescent tube?
A: Three, one to change it and the other two to tell him how much better incandescent bulbs are.

Q: In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source?
A: Five, one to actually do it and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Q: How do you confuse a bassist?
A: Put one of his strings out of tune, but don't tell him which one!

Q: How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the guitarist has to show him first

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six, one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Five. One. Five.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, The Lead player can do it with his teeth.

Johnny comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mommy, I learned the alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!" Johnny's mom say's "Very good son, that's because you're a bass player." Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, I counted to a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all the way to 100!" And his mom say's, "Excellent. That's because you're a bass player." The next day, Johnny comes home and say's, "Mommy, the teacher measured everyone's height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is that because I'm a bass player?" His mom shakes her head and say's, "No, honey, that's because you're twenty-six."

Q: Why do drummers like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: Why do bands have bass players?
A: To translate for the drummer.

Q: Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
A: It took two hours to get the drummer out.

Q: What's the definition of a bass player?
A: Halfway between a drummer and a musician.

Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
A: The knocking gets slower.

Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
A: The knocking gets faster, and faster.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

Two girls are walking along when they hear...
"Psst! Down here!"
They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road.
The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!"
The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.
The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"
The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"

Q: What is the difference between "musician" and "mutual fund"?
A: A mutual fund will eventually mature and began earning money.

Q: What is the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a folksinger?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Q: How does a blues band end up with a million dollars?
A: Start with $2 million.

You have probably heard that most blues songs begin with the line
Woke up this mornin'...
This is to differentiate hard working blues musicians from most other musicians who sleep past noon.

Q: What happens if you play blues music backwards?
A: Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

Musician's Equivalent to "The check's in the mail"

The booking is definite
We can fix it in the mix
My agent will handle it
It sounds really good in the back of the hall
The roadie took care of it
The club will provide the PA and lights
The place was packed
Don't worry, you'll be the headliner
It's on the truck
My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album
Someone will be there early to let you in
I'm with the band
The engineer's worked with Bowie
The band drinks free
You'll get your cut tonight
We'll supply someone for the door
There'll be lots of roadies when you get there
You'll have plenty of time for a sound check
We'll definitely come to the gig
You can depend on me
Sure, I know Wally!

Answer to the Question:
"I've just bought a sax from your store and would love to know how to play it."

First things first. Since you're a white guy, you'll need a stupid hat, the more stupid the better and preferably a beret. Sunglasses are optional, but all the really, really good players wear them, especially indoors. You'll also need some "gig shirts" -- Hawaiians are good, in a pinch anything with a loud floral pattern is acceptable, as are T shirts from various jazz clubs and festivals. The good thing about the latter is that you can get them by mail order, so you don't have to go to all the trouble of actually seeing live music. And sandals are an absolute must, even in winter (but no socks).

Once you've assembled the proper attire you can begin practicing. One of the most important things about playing is being able to convey emotion to the audience. This you do through various facial expressions. The two emotions you'll need to convey are (1) rapture/ecstasy and (2) soul wrenching pain and sadness (i.e., the blues).

You may find it useful in the beginning to borrow a page from the method acting school. So, for example, to convey rapture try thinking of something nice, like puppy dogs.

To convey the "blues" try thinking of something really really appalling, like rap. You should practice your facial expressions in front of a mirror at least two hours per day.

You may feel a tad stupid at first, but you'll never get the chicks if you don't jump around on stage like a monkey with your face all contorted. And bottom line, chicks is really what music's all about.

Next, you'll need the correct ligature. Some people think that the ligature is just a stupid piece of old metal that holds the reed on the mouthpiece. Well, those people are idiots. Besides your beret, the ligature is the single most important piece of musical equipment you will ever buy. Mine, for example, is 40% platinum and 60% titanium; one screw is rubidium and the other plutonium. It makes me sound exactly like Booker Ervin would if Booker Ervin were (1) not dead and (2) on Mars, if (2)(a) there was oxygen on Mars. You may have to spend years and years and thousands of dollars finding the proper ligature, but in the end it will definitely be worth it.

Now: reeds. Optimally you'll want to move to Cuba, grow, and cure your own cane and carve your own reeds by hand. If you're just a "weekend warrior," however, you can get by with store-bought. First, buy ten boxes of reeds, 100 in all. Next, open all the boxes and throw away 60 reeds. Those were unplayable. Take the remaining reeds and soak them in a mixture of 27.8 % Alpine spring water bottled at the source and 72.2 % chicken stock for a period of 17 weeks. Throw away 20 more reeds. Those were stuffy. Take the remaining 20 reeds and sand each one for exactly 13 seconds with #1200 grade 3-M sandpaper. Throw away 14 reeds. Those squeaked. Take the remaining 6 reeds and soak them for another 17 weeks, this time however in a mixture of 27.7% Pacifica beer and 72.3 % rubbing alcohol. Sun dry the 6 remaining reeds for 3 weeks, optimally at an equatorial latitude, and throw away 3 more just on general principles. You now have 3 reeds that will last you several months if you play each one only 20 minutes a day in strict rotation.

Now, you say you just bought a horn. Although you didn't say what kind it is, I'd sell it immediately and get a different one. The best one to get would be a Selmer Mark VI made at 4:27 PM on June 14, 1963, serial number 125543. If you can't get that one though (and I seriously doubt you can since it's mine), generally speaking, the older and more expensive the better. The following brands are good: Selmer Paris Mark VI. The following brands not to be considered: any other Selmer, Yamaha, Conn, Beuscher, Yanigasawa, Cannonball, LA, Jupiter, Elkhart, King, Martin, Keilworth, Boosey and Hawkes, Couf, Silvertone, and Holton.

On no account should you play the horn before you buy it. Go strictly on reputation and price. If you can't get a Mark VI and need further information, there's some woman who's owned every saxophone ever made, Sherry or Sheryl or something, and she can probably tells you which one's the best.

You will also need some accoutrements: a flight case capable of withstanding atmospheric pressure of dP = - Dg dz where D and g are, respectively, the density of air and the acceleration due to gravity at the altitude of the air layer and dz is a horizontal layer of air having unit surface area and infinitesimal thickness; a tuner; a combination alto, tenor, baritone sax stand with pegs for an oboe, bass clarinet, flute, English horn, and bassoon; Band in a Box; every Jamie Abersold play along record ever created; a reed cutter; swabs, cleaners, pad savers, pad dope, pad clamps; a Sennheiser Digital 1092 Wireless Microphone; an effects rig with digital delay and parametric EQ; a 200 watt (per channel, minimum) amplifier and 18" monitor; and a metronome.

It will be helpful if you listen to lots of sax players. Unfortunately, listening solely to players you like is absolutely the worst thing you can do. To really understand the music and its traditions you have to go back to the beginning and listen to every bit of music ever recorded. I'd start with chant and work forward. Once you get to the 20th century pay particular attention to players like Jimmy Dorsey and Sidney Bechet, the wellsprings of the modern jazz saxophone. In no time at all, or by 2054, whichever comes first, you'll be able to understand the unique be-bop stylings of players like Ace Cannon, Boots Randolph and Grover Washington Jr.

Finally, to play the sax itself, blow in the small end and move your fingers around.

Jazz Math

If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at which it is played, then 1/xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn up his amp.

4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + (4 + or - .667) + 4 + (x, where x is unknown) = 1 chorus trading with drummer.

5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = drummer's gig

Jam session + eighth-note rest = missed opportunity.

Jam session + (quarter-note rest or greater) = band on break.

"Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.

"Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita + prime rib/limp egg rolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high society gig/Elks Club gig.

How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive 90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up one hour in advance; load in through slimy kitchen, accessed by treacherous outdoor staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance favorites for drunk rich people?

Would you take it for 1/2 that much?

After you bid on the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student offers to play it for 1/2 as much. If you are 12 times as good as he, but 1/2 as good-looking and the client has a tin ear, why do you bother practicing?

If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will attractive women notice?

Your trio is set up in a perfect equilateral triangle. A singer sets up exactly in the middle. Will the three of you be divided against the singer, or against one another?

If (% of Americans who like jazz) < (% of Americans who like chain saw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art form?

The Bassist's 23rd Psalm (Author Unknown)

The Lord is my drummer; I shall not rush.
He maketh me lay out in tasteful places.
He leadeth me beside cool meter changes.
He restoreth my "one."
He leadeth me in the right repeats,
For His name's sake.

Yea, though I read through the trickiest roadmaps
I will fear no train wrecks,
For Thou art with it.
Thy ride and Thy snare they comfort me.

Thou setteth up a solo for me
In the presence of mine guitarists.
Thou annointest my lines with drive.
My groove overfloweth.

Surely good feel and swing
Will follow me all the tunes of each set.
And I will dwell in the pocket the whole gig long.

Amen.

How Oswald Made Money 'On The Side' ...

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO OLD TO PLAY GIGS WHEN:  

• It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than your amp.

• Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.

• All your fans leave by 9:30 pm.

• All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.

• You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your set-list.

• Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.

• You lost the directions to the gig.

• You need your glasses to see the amp settings.

• You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.

• You feel like hell before the gig even starts.

• The waitress is your daughter!

• You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.

• Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.

• You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.

• You refuse to play without earplugs.

• You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.

• You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.

• Your gig stool has a back.

• You're related to at least one member in the band.

• You don't let anyone sit in.

• You need a nap before the gig..

• After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.

• During the breaks, you now go to the van to lie down.

• You prefer a music stand with a light

• You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon.

• You hope the host's speech lasts forever  You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or "cool" factor.

• You can remember seven different club names for the same location.

• You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it!

• Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a babysitter for the grandkids.

• The set list has to be in 20 point type.

•  Your drug of choice is now coffee.

• It seems impossible to find stage shoes with decent arch support.

• You fart on stage and don't laugh.